mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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