Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
