yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
