How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
