I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
