id be glad to
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm getting married
To pizza
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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