I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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