He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
