think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
