My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize