just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
