I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
