whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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