he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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