Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
