Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
