dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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