i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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