my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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