the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
