wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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