she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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