Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
