i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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