What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Randomize
