I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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