I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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