my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
