you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
