If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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