I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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