she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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