he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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