Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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