Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
