Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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