he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
