As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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