My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
