the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Im part way to drunk.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
