She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
