Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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