She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
