Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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