well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
