She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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