you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she peed on how many people?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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