My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
