p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My vagina just recognized that song.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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