so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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