Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
