just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
