If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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