Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
