the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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