i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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