would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
not ubering you a puppy
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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