addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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