I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
