mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
