I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
