Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
