it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
