Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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