I will die if light touches me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
