Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
