I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
