I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize