That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
