Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize