I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize