he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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